A Farewell.

December 21st, 2017 is when you are officially laid to rest and as much as I want to let you go, it's very difficult. I remember when I heard my phone's notification that Monday night, I felt very uneasy and immediately went to check what it was and the words that I saw were words that I never would have expected, something that I never wanted to see, two words in one sentence together that made it really hard to digest.

I was hoping, hard that it was not true; it was rumors, that there will be better news shared but seconds turned into minutes turned into hours and it finally dawned on me that it was real. You are gone. A lot of things went through my mind, a lot of what if, a lot of why, a lot of how, how are we all going to cope?

And the way you left us, it's heartbreaking. It hurts because we cannot blame anyone else, the only thing we could do at that moment was really, blame ourselves, for failing to see, failing to be there, failing to make you feel happy. If you left because of health problems, we could have blamed the system for working you too hard. If you left because of an accident, we could have blamed the person who caused the accident but all this did not happen. You left because you needed to leave. The only way you know would make you feel better and it hurts so much. It hurts because we didn't do enough.

You needed to hear one sentence from us and we could have, should have said it to you repeatedly but we failed. When I was younger, I've talked about it, how I said it was selfish for people to commit to it but as I've grown older, I began to understand that it involves something way deeper than what we all perceive it to be.

You were going through a very hard time, a very difficult time, you tried reaching out but.

Honestly, there are times when I, I feel so broken, so useless but I know you must have felt more than how I felt. The times when I broke down, I felt it's not describable and I just can not imagine how it must have been for you. The past few days have been really hard. Every time someone mentions you, every time I see your name, your face, your smile, your voice, it hits me hard. Very hard. I try my best to not cry but fail every single time.

I think the main reason why is; it's very difficult to accept this loss and it's very difficult to let an amazing person like you go. It's also very hard because it just is. I don't care if people say I am over reacting, but they don't know. They don't know how much your words, your voice affect people. How much of an influence you are to a lot of people, how much your words warm our heart. I wished our words could have done that, you would have felt what we felt but.

It’s alright if you run out of breath

No one will blame you

It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes

Because anyone can do so

Although comforting by saying it’s alright

Are just words

Even if others think your sigh

Takes out energy and strength

I already know

That you had a day that’s hard enough

To let out even a small sigh

Now don’t think of anything else

Let out a deep sigh

Just let it out like that
Lyrics and Composed by you.

I will continue to listen to your songs, your voice and will remember you. You may slipped my mind at times but know that you have touched my heart, made a change in my life and you should be very proud of that.

Thank you for teaching me what life is, how I should treat people, to not waste time, to listen more to other's words. Thank you for teaching me all this.

You've worked hard, Jonghyun-ah. You really did, it must have been hard for you, wasn't it? But I am thankful that I got to know you, I've gotten to know someone like you; amazing, thoughtful, passionate who believes and stands for what he believes in. Thank you.

You've worked hard, Kim Jonghyun.
수고했어요 김종현 정말 .

Love, wai.